Discover the Elements of Healing from Family Trauma

Think of these blogs as a colourful buffet of ideas and stories. We’ve organised them to match the elements in the workbooks and they are also all at the bottom if you want to take pot-luck.

Just scroll through and pick whatever grabs your attention or speaks to you. Each one is a little treasure trove of insights on dependency and family life.

Happy exploring!

Not sure where to start? Try one of these options

Reflections on the Road to Recovery
The Rules You Grew Up With
The Rules You Grew Up With

If you grew up with a parent caught up in a dependency, you probably learned some family rules without anyone telling you. They can still affect who you trust, how much you say and whether you feel allowed to say no. This post is an introduction to five of them.

Read more →
Making Sense of a Parent’s Dependency
Making Sense of a Parent’s Dependency

If you grew up with a parent caught up in a dependency, you may have spent years wondering why. Here are three short posts that look at it from different sides, and you can read them in any order.

Read more →
The Part You Played at Home
The Part You Played at Home

In most families, children try on different parts as they grow up. When a parent is caught up in alcohol, drugs or another dependency, many children find one part that works and stay in it. This page looks at where those family roles come from, and why they can follow us into adulthood.

Read more →
Understanding Co-dependence in Adult Children of Dependents
Understanding Co-dependence in Adult Children of Dependents

Codependence shows up in five patterns: avoidance, control, compliance, obsession and denial. This article looks at avoidance. You may recognise yourself in one of the others, or in a mix, and each pattern calls for its own kind of support.

Read more →
When Home Wasn’t Safe
When Home Wasn’t Safe

If you grew up in a home where there was violence, it affected you. This post looks at what children learn when home isn’t safe, and what that can mean years later.

Read more →

Here the reflections are grouped by the elements in the workbooks

How to use these reflections

The reflections are sorted by the six elements in the workbooks. You can use them in two ways.

If you’re already seeing a therapist, they may point you to a reflection that fits what you’re working on. Read it before your next session and see what comes up, then talk it through together.

You can also browse and read the ones that speak to you. If something rings true, take it to your therapist and use it as a place to start. You don’t need to read them in order, and you don’t need to finish them all.

If you don’t have a therapist yet, our Find Support page is a place to begin.

Dependency Demystified

Reflections on the Road to Recovery
The Bond They Couldn’t Break
The Bond They Couldn’t Break

Do you remember your first breakup, or the first time you lost a pet? Breaking a bond is hard for everyone, including a parent caught up in a dependency. This post looks at what they may have been going through, and you don’t have to excuse any of it to understand it.

Read more →
They Were Somebody’s Child Too
They Were Somebody’s Child Too

If you grew up with a parent caught up in a dependency, it can be hard to see them as anything but the problem. This reflection asks you to picture them as a small child and to think about what they were carrying. It’s about understanding them.

Read more →
Dependencies and Family Dynamics: Understanding the Impact
Dependencies and Family Dynamics: Understanding the Impact

Why couldn’t they stop? A gentler way to look at a parent’s dependency, without making it okay.

Read more →

Embodied Roles in your life

Reflections on the Road to Recovery
The Mascot/Placater - Unmasking a Survival Strategy
The Mascot/Placater - Unmasking a Survival Strategy

Always the funny one? If you learned young that making people laugh kept you safe, you may have been the Family Mascot.

Read more →
The Overlooked One: Understanding the Lost Child Role
The Overlooked One: Understanding the Lost Child Role

Some children decide the best way to help is to be one less child to worry about. If that was you, you may have been the Lost Child. Being on your own kept you safe, and it also cost you something.

Read more →
The Troublemaker: A Complex Role in Family Dynamics
The Troublemaker: A Complex Role in Family Dynamics

What if the child who was always in trouble was the bravest one in the house?

Read more →
The Family Hero: A Role Shaped by Survival, Not Choice
The Family Hero: A Role Shaped by Survival, Not Choice

Some children hold a family together by getting everything right. If you were the Hero, you may have been so good at it that nobody noticed what it cost you. This post looks at the strengths and the weight that come with that role.

Read more →

Healing from Family Violence

Reflections on the Road to Recovery
When Home Wasn’t Safe
When Home Wasn’t Safe

If you grew up in a home where there was violence, it affected you. This post looks at what children learn when home isn’t safe, and what that can mean years later.

Read more →
Healing Traumatised Brains: Childhood to Adult Recovery
Healing Traumatised Brains: Childhood to Adult Recovery

When children experience violence, their developing brains adapt for survival, creating neural pathways that persist into adulthood. As an adult, we can leverage this same neuroplasticity to facilitate healing.

Read more →
Strategies for Healing Family Violence Trauma
Strategies for Healing Family Violence Trauma

Family violence and dependency-related trauma requires specialised understanding and practical strategies. In this blog, we explore how early experiences in families affected by substance or process abuse shape adult relationships, emotional responses, and patterns of behaviour.

Read more →

Motivation - What Drives You?

Reflections on the Road to Recovery
I Don’t Like Goals
I Don’t Like Goals

I have never liked goals. I’m so hard on myself that missing one leaves me ashamed, so for years I set hardly any. This post is about why I changed my mind, and how a small goal and a new pen helped.

Read more →
Measuring our Expectations
Measuring our Expectations

You can keep your values and still change how you measure them. Here is how a bad holiday showed me that.

Read more →
Your Values are Fine
Your Values are Fine

For years I thought I was unhappy because something was wrong with what I cared about. It turned out my values were fine. It was what I expected, and how I measured it, that needed a second look.

Read more →

Neutralising Hidden Family Rules

Reflections on the Road to Recovery
Nobody Told You That You Were Allowed
Nobody Told You That You Were Allowed

If you grew up with a parent caught up in a dependency, nobody may have told you what you were allowed to do. You were allowed to say no, to make mistakes and to feel what you felt. This post looks at the permission that comes before a boundary.

Read more →
Don't Speak: the Hidden Family Rule
Don't Speak: the Hidden Family Rule

If you grew up with a parent caught up in alcohol, drugs or another dependency, you may have learned that it wasn’t safe to speak up. It kept the peace at home, and it can still shape how you connect with people and stand up for yourself. Using your voice is part of recovery.

Read more →
The Hidden Connection Between Family Rules and Boundaries
The Hidden Connection Between Family Rules and Boundaries

If you grew up in a house where you couldn’t talk about what hurt, you may never have learned where your own limits are. Nobody lets you practise saying “that’s not okay” when you aren’t allowed to say anything at all. Learning to set boundaries as an adult often starts with using your voice.

Read more →
Overcoming the “Don’t Feel” Rule
Overcoming the “Don’t Feel” Rule

Many people who have grown up in families affected by substance use or compulsive behaviours carry the hidden rule, “Don’t feel.” This unspoken message can lead to years of emotional suppression and disconnection. Read on to discover more about this.

Read more →
The Rule about Trust
The Rule about Trust

When the adults around you kept changing what was true, not trusting anyone was the safest thing a child could do. That included trusting yourself. This post looks at where that rule came from and how it can change.

Read more →

Origins of Co-dependence

Reflections on the Road to Recovery
Working with Codependency Controlling Patterns
Working with Codependency Controlling Patterns

Ashley is doing everything she can to keep her daughter close, and her daughter is pulling away. This post looks at where that urge to take charge comes from.

Read more →
Working with Co-dependency Avoidance Patterns
Working with Co-dependency Avoidance Patterns

Michael says his childhood was no big deal. He laughs it off and changes the subject. Looking away is how many of us got through, and it deserves some respect.

Read more →
Working with Co-dependency Denial Patterns
Working with Co-dependency Denial Patterns

“It was no big deal.” Many of us learned to say that as children, and it helped. This post looks at why.

Read more →
Understanding Co-dependency Compliance Patterns
Understanding Co-dependency Compliance Patterns

Sam will agree to almost anything to keep the peace, and it is costing her the people she is trying to keep close. If you learned young that people pleasing was the safest way to be, this post is for you.

Read more →
Co-dependent Patterns of Low Self Worth
Co-dependent Patterns of Low Self Worth

Stephanie will give up her own children’s beds for a friend in need, and then wonder where she fits in. If you learned young that other people’s needs came first, this post is for you.

Read more →

Here they are ungrouped, just dive in and see what catches your fancy

main Vicki-ann Nevin main Vicki-ann Nevin

The Part You Played at Home

In most families, children try on different parts as they grow up. When a parent is caught up in alcohol, drugs or another dependency, many children find one part that works and stay in it. This page looks at where those family roles come from, and why they can follow us into adulthood.

Read More