Think back to your first breakup. The world ended. You were sure you would never be happy again, and maybe you took to your bed for days. Then one day something shifted and you started living again.
Or think of a pet you lost. You kept seeing your dog out of the corner of your eye and hearing his paws on the floor. You even caught yourself thinking it was time for his walk. People were kind, and you may have held a small funeral or found some other way to mark it.
A bond that is hard to break
If you grew up with a parent or caregiver caught up in alcohol, drugs or another dependency, it can help to know that breaking a bond with a substance or a behaviour is every bit as hard as the ones above. When a person has bonded that strongly with something, giving it up can feel like losing the centre of their life.
Your parent may have tried to let go and found they couldn’t, or may not have known where to begin. They may also have been grieving something while they did it.
Nobody held a funeral
When we lose a person or a pet, other people understand and sympathise. A parent trying to leave a dependency often gets judgement and silence instead, and they may feel too ashamed to ask for help. Letting go is much easier with support, and very hard without it. People are more likely to recover when they still have friends, work and a sense of belonging, so a parent who was cut off from those things had a steeper climb.
What this does and doesn’t change
None of this makes what happened to you okay, and it doesn’t mean you have to forgive anyone. While they were struggling to let go, their attention was elsewhere, and that cost you something. You can be sorry for how hard it was for them and still be angry about what you went without.
Worth asking yourself
Is there a bond in your own life that you found hard to let go of? What helped you, or what do you wish had been there?
Take your time with these. You don’t need to answer them today.
Take it to your therapist
Whatever came up for you while reading this, it’s worth taking to your therapist. You don’t have to have it worked out. You can just say, “I’ve been wondering what my parent was trying to let go of,” and see where the conversation goes. A therapist can help you look at these things at a pace that feels safe, and it is much easier to untangle them with someone beside you.
If you don’t have a therapist at the moment, please consider finding one. You deserve that kind of support, and there is no wrong time to start. Our Find Support page is a place to begin.
