Picture a grown woman at a family dinner. Someone makes a remark that puts her down, and her stomach drops. She laughs along and passes the potatoes. She could get up and leave the table, and it has never crossed her mind that she is allowed to.
If you grew up with a parent or caregiver caught up in alcohol, drugs or another dependency, you may know her. Nobody looked out for you or showed you what you were entitled to, so you brought yourself up. You learned to keep quiet and stay out of trouble, and you learned that if you said no, people might leave.
The permission underneath
In the post about boundaries I wrote about knowing where your limits are. There is something underneath that, which is believing you are allowed to have them. If you don’t, setting a limit can feel mean or selfish, or like a good way to get abandoned. So you put up with things, or you put up walls, and you still don’t feel safe.
I think of rights as the permission that comes before the boundary. A boundary is what you do. A right is what tells you that you can.
What you were always allowed
You were always allowed to relax and have fun, and to say no thanks when something felt unsafe or you weren’t ready. You were allowed to make mistakes and to disappoint yourself without it being a disaster. You were allowed to walk away from people who put you down, even if they were family. You were allowed to feel all of your feelings, including the ones nobody wanted to see. And you never had to wait for your parent to get well or admit there was a problem before you started living your own life.
There are twenty of these in the course. They helped me more when I said them out loud.
Why I find this hopeful
Your brain was shaped by what happened to you, and it keeps changing throughout life. That means the old rule that you had to keep quiet can be replaced. It won’t happen overnight, and some days you will still pass the potatoes. You can start with one small thing you give yourself permission to do.
Worth asking yourself
What did you need permission for when you were small? Which of these would feel hardest to say out loud?
Take your time with these. You don’t need to answer them today.
Take it to your therapist
Whatever came up for you while reading this, it’s worth taking to your therapist. You don’t have to have it worked out. You can just say, “I’ve been wondering whether I’m allowed to say no,” and see where the conversation goes. A therapist can help you look at these things at a pace that feels safe, and it is much easier to untangle them with someone beside you.
If you don’t have a therapist at the moment, please consider finding one. You deserve that kind of support, and there is no wrong time to start. Our Find Support page is a place to begin.