Who Set the Bar?
On a holiday a while ago, I decided that a proper rest meant doing nothing at all. No exercise and nothing useful, just the TV and a book. I was sure that was what resting looked like, and I stuck to it.
By the middle of the week I was bored and restless, and I started picking fights with my partner just to have something to do.
The measure
An expectation needs a measure, a way of deciding whether it has been met. My value was restoration, my expectation was a proper rest, and my measure was “have I done nothing today?” Every day I could tick that box, and every day I felt worse.
Most of us have measures for the things we expect, such as how often a friend should call or how much we should get done in a day. We hardly ever look at them. They get set when we are young, or we borrow them from the people around us, and then they run in the background. When a measure says we have fallen short, we feel disappointed and cranky, and we decide we have failed.
Looking at the measure
When I got home I asked two questions about each of my measures. Was it helpful, and was it realistic? A few were kind of helpful, so I kept those. The rest weren’t either. Doing nothing at all wasn’t helping me rest, and I couldn’t keep it up anyway.
I kept the value and changed the measure. It became fine to do something useful now and then, and fine to do nothing now and then. The next holiday was a lot better.
Only change what needs changing
You don’t need to tear everything up. Your values are yours and they are worth keeping. A measure is worth changing if it keeps disappointing you, or if it is so strict that nobody could meet it. If you can’t live up to your own measure, it’s fair to ask who set it, and whether they ever could have.
Worth asking yourself
Think of something you keep falling short of. How do you decide whether you’ve met it, and could anyone meet that measure?
Take your time with these. You don’t need to answer them today.
Take it to your therapist
Whatever came up for you while reading this, it’s worth taking to your therapist. You don’t have to have it worked out. You can just say, “I’ve been wondering how I measure whether I’m doing okay,” and see where the conversation goes. A therapist can help you look at these things at a pace that feels safe, and it is much easier to untangle them with someone beside you.
If you don’t have a therapist at the moment, please consider finding one. You deserve that kind of support, and there is no wrong time to start. Our Find Support page is a place to begin.
