For years I assumed that when I was unhappy, something must be wrong with what I cared about. I thought I needed better values, or fewer of them, or a different set altogether.
It turned out my values were fine. What wasn’t working was what I expected, and the way I measured whether those expectations were being met.
How it fits together
Here is the simple version. I value something, say connection. That value gives rise to an expectation, such as my partner and I spending every minute of a holiday together. Then I measure how things are going against that expectation. Are we eating together? Did we go to bed at the same time?
When the measures say the expectation has been met, I feel happy and loved. When they say it hasn’t, life feels hard, and I get cranky with the person I love most.
The value was solid. Connection is a good thing to care about. The trouble was with the expectation I had built on it and the measures I was using, which nobody could live up to.
Why this matters to me
Once I saw this, I had somewhere to look other than at myself. I could keep the value and ask whether the expectation was realistic, and whether the measures were helping me. Mostly they weren’t. I had made them up when I was small, or taken them from the people around me, and I had never checked them.
That came as a relief. Our values make us who we are, and I didn’t have to give up any of mine. The expectations and measures are the parts that can change.
Something to think about
Choose a value you hold close. What do you expect because of it? How do you decide whether that expectation has been met? If you keep ending up disappointed, could the measure be the problem?
Take it to your therapist
Whatever came up for you while reading this, it’s worth taking to your therapist. You don’t have to have it worked out. A therapist can help you look at these things at a pace that feels safe, and it is easier to untangle them with someone beside you.
If you don’t have a therapist at the moment, please consider finding one. You deserve that kind of support, and it’s always a good time to start. Our Find Support page is a place to begin.
