I had a terrible holiday last year. The weather was fine and so was the accommodation, but I was grouchy and miserable for the whole trip, and my partner got dragged down with me. Every morning I woke up thinking I should be enjoying this, and every day I didn’t.
So I gave myself a talking-to. “You’re lucky to be here, plenty of people never get a holiday, what is wrong with you?”
It didn’t help. I just felt ashamed on top of being grumpy.
When we got home I kept turning it over. Why had I been so unhappy? It took a while, but eventually I noticed that my head was full of “shoulds” and I had never once asked where they came from.
Where did I learn that?
When I was little I worked out that if I made people laugh, I was safe. I wanted to belong more than anything. I can still see myself at five, wandering around the playground singing “Nobody’s Child”. By the time I was twelve, the thought going round my head was, What do you need? Who do you want me to be? I can be anyone you want.
I got so good at this that I forgot I was doing it. I carried that little girl’s rules into adulthood, and they came on holiday with me. I was holding myself to a standard that belonged to a frightened kid who wanted everyone happy so she wouldn’t be left behind.
You aren’t that child anymore. I’m still learning to believe that about myself.
What’s under the frustration
When something really gets under your skin, there is usually something you care about sitting underneath it, with a “should” standing in front. I used to argue with the “should” and get cross with whoever hadn’t lived up to it. It never occurred to me to ask whose it was in the first place.
When I finally looked, I found a lot more than I expected. Some of it was mine, and a good chunk of it wasn’t.
What about you?
Pick one thing in your life that keeps tripping you up, and let these questions float around while you make a cup of tea.
What do you think should have happened?
Who taught you that?
If you took the “should” away, what would you be hoping for?
Does the way you’re going after it feel like it belongs to you?
If your answers surprise you, that’s worth paying attention to. Mine still surprise me.
Take it to your therapist
Whatever came up for you while reading this, it’s worth taking to your therapist. You don’t have to have it worked out. A therapist can help you look at these things at a pace that feels safe, and it is easier to untangle them with someone beside you.
If you don’t have a therapist at the moment, please consider finding one. You deserve that kind of support, and it’s always a good time to start. Our Find Support page is a place to begin.
