Most families have rules, and in a house with a dependency some of them are never spoken. Nobody sits a child down and says “don’t talk about this” or “don’t show that you’re upset.” The child works it out from what happens when they do.
If you grew up with a parent or caregiver caught up in alcohol, drugs or another dependency, you may have lived by rules like these for years without ever seeing them. They tend to follow us into adulthood. They can affect who we trust, how much we say, what we let ourselves feel and whether we think we’re allowed to say no.
I’ve written a handful of short posts about these rules. Each one looks at a different rule and what it can leave behind, and you can read them in any order. You might find one that sounds exactly like you and another that doesn’t fit at all, and both are normal.
Rules that were learned can be looked at again. You don’t have to throw them all out, and you don’t have to do it quickly. Seeing them is a good place to begin.
Take it to your therapist
Whatever came up for you while reading this, it’s worth taking to your therapist. You don’t have to have it worked out. You can just say, “I’ve been wondering what rules I grew up with,” and see where the conversation goes. A therapist can help you look at these things at a pace that feels safe, and it is much easier to untangle them with someone beside you.
If you don’t have a therapist at the moment, please consider finding one. You deserve that kind of support, and there is no wrong time to start. Our Find Support page is a place to begin.
If you grew up with a parent caught up in a dependency, nobody may have told you what you were allowed to do. You were allowed to say no, to make mistakes and to feel what you felt. This post looks at the permission that comes before a boundary.