I have never liked goals. I’m so hard on myself that when I miss one, I feel ashamed. So for years I set very few. I had one vague long-term idea and not much else, and I drifted a lot.
Why I avoided them
If you grew up with a parent or caregiver caught up in alcohol, drugs or another dependency, you may know this feeling. When you learned early that falling short meant something was wrong with you, it was easier not to aim at anything. If you never set a goal, you can never fail one.
What changed
As I worked on undoing the effects of my childhood and practising a new way of being, I noticed that I wanted goals after all. I wanted ones that would help me, and I started to see them as part of the practice.
Each family role has its own version. A Hero might aim to look after themselves first, even though it’s hard. I was the Mascot, and one of my goals is to stay serious when I want to make a joke because I’m uncomfortable. The longer-term goal behind it is to strengthen the grown-up parts of myself, like the Hero’s sense of responsibility, and use them when they’re needed. When I wrote that down, it stopped being a vague wish and started to look like something I could do.
Small steps
A long-term goal needs short-term ones. I ask myself a few plain questions: how I will do it, how long it will take, how I will remember, who can help and how I will celebrate. Mine was to take charge of my own diary instead of leaving other people to manage it for me. I gave myself three months, stuck a note on the fridge, asked a friend who is good at keeping me on track, and promised myself a new pen. Yes, really.
Why I find this hopeful
Your brain was shaped by what happened to you, and it keeps changing throughout life. That means a goal doesn’t have to be one more thing to fail at. It can be a small practice, and you can be kind to yourself on the days it doesn’t happen. When it gets hard, I remind myself that this is hard and not impossible. I can do hard stuff, and so can you.
Worth asking yourself
What goal would you set if you knew you wouldn’t be hard on yourself about it? What would a very small first step look like?
Take your time with these. You don’t need to answer them today.
Take it to your therapist
Whatever came up for you while reading this, it’s worth taking to your therapist. You don’t have to have it worked out. You can just say, “I’ve been wondering what goals I would set if I wasn’t so hard on myself,” and see where the conversation goes. A therapist can help you look at these things at a pace that feels secure, and it is much easier to untangle them with someone beside you.
If you don’t have a therapist at the moment, please consider finding one. You deserve that kind of support, and there is no wrong time to start. Our Find Support page is a place to begin.
