Understanding Co-dependence in Adult Children of Dependents
Co-dependency - a Tree With Five Branches
In the dependency world we call the person who is dependent on substances or processes ‘the dependent’. We call the person who looks after them, ‘co-dependent’. All five branches emerge from the same trauma-based root system, showing how these different expressions of co-dependency often originate from similar wounding experiences where these behaviours developed as survival strategies in unsafe or unpredictable environments.
For therapists working with clients who grew up in environments where a parent or caregiver depended on substances or certain behaviours, it is helpful to understand the different patterns they may have developed to cope. These patterns can be seen as branches on a tree, each showing a distinct response to the instability and challenges of their early environment.
Control
This branch appears strong and dominant, with rigid, directive offshoots. It reflects the attempt to manage circumstances, environments, and other people’s behaviour to create a sense of safety. Clients showing this pattern might micromanage situations and relationships, believing that by maintaining tight control, they can prevent pain, rejection, or chaos. The tension in this branch’s growth mirrors the constant vigilance and effort needed to keep control in place.
Denial
This branch grows in unusual patterns, curving away from reality with foliage that creates optical illusions. It represents the psychological defence of refusing to see or acknowledge painful truths. The branch may seem to be growing toward the light, when in fact it is turning away, symbolising how denial can appear protective while it actually blocks healing. Its growth reflects how the mind distorts perception to protect itself from overwhelming emotions.
Low Self-Worth
This branch is smaller and more fragile than others, with visible scarring and stunted growth. It represents a deep-seated belief of being undeserving or inadequate. The branch struggles to reach for nourishment, showing how low self-worth creates patterns of self-deprivation and self-criticism. It may bend under even light stress, highlighting the vulnerability that comes from seeking external validation.
Compliance
This branch grows along the path of least resistance, shaped by external forces rather than following its natural course. It represents the pattern of surrendering one’s own needs, boundaries, and decisions to others. The branch shows indentations where it has been moulded by outside expectations. Unlike active people-pleasing, compliance is more passive, reflecting an adaptation to avoid conflict rather than to gain approval.
Avoidance
This branch turns inward, away from external connections, creating distance through its growth pattern. It represents withdrawal from emotional intimacy and challenging situations as a means of protection. The branch may create a barrier of leaves or thorns, showing how avoidance behaviours create psychological distance. Its growth reflects a retreat from engagement, symbolising how some clients learn to seek safety in isolation.
You may notice that a client will rely on one branch at a time to manage what feels unmanageable. Most people find one branch easier to use than others, but they may shift between them depending on the situation.
Meet five people representative of clients you might meet.
Jessica to the Rescue
Stephanie had to take her friend and her kids in. Again. Because she had left her husband. Again. It was late at night, Stephanie even woke her own kids up to rearrange the beds so that her friend’s kids had somewhere to sleep. In the morning, her husband was very unhappy. Sound like a client you know? Check out the low self worth branch of the co-dependent tree here.
Ashley the Controller
Ashley had her life together. With a capital T. She knew what she was doing, was on all the committees, had all the answers. Her life was going great except for one thing.
Ashley came to me because her daughter had 'gone off the rails' and she didn't know what else to try. Her daughter was ignoring all the advice and direction Ashley was giving her. Ashley had spent hours on the internet trying to figure out what to do next to get her daughter to behave.
We talked about controlling behaviours and how they are learned as a pattern. Often to make sense of something that cannot make sense. Then the tears flowed as Ashley saw the fuller picture.
Sam the Compliant One
Sam was a quiet woman. She was here because her wife thought it would be good for her. Sam kept getting passed over at work for promotions. She found it too hard to make decisions, preferring to leave it to someone else. As a result, Sam often found herself in situations where she would agree with the group rather than speak her actual opinion. She did her best to keep everyone happy.
Now her wife was pressuring her to do better at work. But she felt she wasn't strong enough to be a leader.
When we talked about the compliant behaviours of co-dependence that Sam had learned to keep herself safe, she could see immediately what was going on.
Christopher the Avoider
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Christopher was telling me the most awful story of abuse and neglect in a calm quiet voice, with no emotion! It was as though he was talking about someone else.
Often when people have suffered trauma as Christopher has, it's a natural reaction to shut off the feelings of pain because they are painful. Some people develop a way of being so they never have to feel pain again. Find out more about the avoidance behaviours of co-dependence.
Michael the Denier
Michael was in love. Again. He told me all about her. She looked at him yesterday and he knew that she felt the same way he did. He also knew that she was married, but that didn’t mean that she was in love with him, she loved Michael. He just knew it. He could tell. He had never talked with her and wasn’t even in her department so about the only thing he actually knew about her was that she loved him.
This is a pattern for Michael and causes a load of heartache and rejection. He seems to bounce back each time though and I wonder often what is really going on for him. It is hard to tell because he genuinely does not know how he feels.
Both his parents were dependent on substances and he had a terrible upbringing. He was neglected, so he had to make his own way. We discussed this at length as well as other ways the trauma has numbed his feelings. What did he do? Find out here
Disclaimer: This content is for informational purposes and is not a substitute for professional psychological advice.
Don't let their survival strategy define their future.
Our workbook for therapists and accompanying worksheet book for clients with practical exercises, offers hope, understanding, and guidance for co-dependents ready to reclaim their lives.
