Working with Codependency Controlling Patterns
Can a Controlling Person Change?
Exploring Co-dependent Controlling Patterns in Clients from Addictive Family Systems
As therapists, we often meet clients who have grown up in homes marked by substance use or other compulsive behaviours. In these environments, chaos and unpredictability can shape a person’s approach to relationships-sometimes resulting in controlling patterns that are, at their core, protective strategies.
A Case Example: Ashley’s Story
Take Ashley, for example. She prided herself on her organisation and her strong sense of right and wrong. Her world ran on lists, routines, and a clear set of expectations. For Ashley, things needed to be done her way, and she struggled to tolerate anyone who didn’t fall in line.
When her daughter began asserting her independence, Ashley felt thrown. Her daughter stopped listening, her grades dropped, she lost interest in sport, and started seeing someone Ashley didn’t approve of. Ashley’s distress was palpable:
“She used to be such a good girl, and now she’s ruining her life! She won’t listen to me anymore. I’ve tried everything. Help me.”
Ashley’s experience is not uncommon. When clients have grown up with addiction or instability, their attempts to control their environment can be a natural response to past chaos. Yet, as Ashley is discovering, attempts to control others often backfire-leading to resistance or withdrawal.
Why Do Controlling Patterns Develop?
It’s important for us as therapists to normalise these responses. When home life is or was out of control, striving for order can feel like the only way to create safety. Ashley’s intentions are understandable; she wants better for her daughter than what she experienced with a father who gambled and lost everything.
While codependency is often associated with over-caretaking, another key aspect is the development of controlling behaviours. These behaviours are not about arrogance, but about survival. They arise when trust has been broken, when unpredictability was the norm, or when clients felt unsafe.
Recognising Protective Patterns
With empathy for our clients’ histories, we can help them identify the specific ways they try to create safety:
The Protective Advisor
Giving advice or direction without being asked
Trying to persuade others to think, feel, or act a certain way
Feeling hurt or anxious when advice is rejected
This pattern often forms in homes where guidance was essential for survival, especially if a parent was absent or impaired.
The Security-Seeking Provider
Giving gifts or favours to maintain connection
Using affection or attention to feel needed
Feeling anxious if not needed in relationships
This can develop when love felt conditional, or when being helpful was the only way to secure attention.
The Emotional Protector
Expecting reciprocity after caring for others
Presenting as especially caring or compassionate
Using emotional intensity to maintain closeness
Often, this is a response to environments where only strong emotional displays gained a response.
The Boundary Keeper
Struggling to compromise or negotiate
Withdrawing, taking charge, or becoming emotional to protect oneself
Outwardly agreeing while resisting internally
Using personal growth language to justify boundaries
This rigidity can be traced back to repeated boundary violations in the client’s family of origin.
Understanding the Roots
These patterns make sense when viewed through a trauma-informed lens. They are adaptive responses to:
Ongoing unpredictability, such as living with addiction or mental illness
Early parentification, where children took on adult responsibilities
Conditional or inconsistent love, leading to a belief that control is necessary for connection
Chronic neglect, resulting in compensatory behaviours around attention and needs
Supporting Clients to Heal
Healing begins with self-compassion. These behaviours were once the best available strategies for managing unsafe or unpredictable circumstances. They served a real purpose.
As therapists, we can guide clients to:
Gently acknowledge the wounds beneath their controlling behaviours
Notice when present-day triggers activate old trauma responses
Build a sense of internal safety, reducing the need to control others
Practise new, healthier relationship patterns with patience and self-kindness
An Invitation to Gentle Change
If you recognise these patterns in your clients, reassure them that they are not alone. These are not character flaws, but survival strategies that made sense at the time.
My workbook offers a compassionate, practical roadmap for clients ready to explore new ways of relating. It helps them:
Identify their unique control patterns and their origins
Learn trauma-informed strategies to manage anxiety when letting go of control
Build internal safety that doesn’t rely on managing others
Develop relationships based on mutual trust and respect
Change is not about perfection-it’s about freedom. Freedom from the exhausting need to control, and the opportunity to experience genuine connection.
You can Support your Clients to Change
Encourage your clients to honour the ways these patterns once protected them, and to consider whether a different approach might better serve their lives today. For more guidance, exercises, and support, explore my workbook and resources designed specifically for those healing from co-dependent controlling patterns.