Working with Co-dependency Avoidance Patterns
When working with clients who have experienced trauma at the hands of family members struggling with substance or process dependencies, therapists often encounter a unique set of avoidance behaviours. These patterns can be deeply ingrained, serving as survival strategies that once protected the client but now limit their ability to connect and heal.
Recognising Avoidance in Trauma Survivors
Clients who have grown up in environments shaped by addiction or compulsive behaviours often learn to disconnect from their emotions and needs. This emotional numbing can manifest as:
Avoiding intimacy-emotional, physical, or sexual-to maintain a sense of safety.
Withdrawing or shutting down during moments of vulnerability or conflict.
Relying on indirect communication or humour to deflect from deeper issues.
Suppressing their own needs to avoid appearing vulnerable or burdensome.
Judging themselves and others harshly, often expecting rejection or criticism.
Keeping busy or self-reliant to the point of isolation, using activity as a shield against connection.
Withholding appreciation or affection, believing emotional expression is a weakness.
Pulling people close, only to push them away when relationships deepen.
These patterns are common in clients who have adapted to unpredictable or unsafe family dynamics, especially where addiction has played a central role.
How Avoidance Impacts the Therapeutic Process
As therapists, it’s crucial to recognise that these avoidance strategies are not simply resistance or lack of motivation-they are protective mechanisms developed in response to chronic stress and trauma. Clients may describe traumatic events in detail but struggle to articulate their feelings. They might agree to therapeutic tasks but avoid genuine engagement, or they may intellectualise and joke to avoid confronting painful memories.
Avoidance can also show up as:
Reluctance to address family-of-origin issues, particularly those involving substance or process dependency.
Difficulty trusting the therapeutic relationship, fearing judgement or abandonment.
A tendency to “hop” between relationships, jobs, or even therapists, avoiding the discomfort of deeper work.
Reframing Avoidance as a Survival Strategy
Understanding avoidance as a learned response to trauma allows us to approach clients with greater empathy and effectiveness. Trauma-informed care in Aotearoa emphasises moving away from “what’s wrong with you?” to “what happened to you?” This shift is vital for clients who have internalised shame or blame from family environments shaped by dependency.
Practical Tools for Therapists
Breaking through avoidance requires a gentle, structured approach. Trauma-focused treatment and modular therapy frameworks can help clients gradually face avoided feelings and situations in a safe, controlled way. Incorporating practical, evidence-based exercises-such as those found in Origins of Codependence Workbook can support clients to:
Identify and name avoidance patterns.
Develop emotional literacy and tolerance for vulnerability.
Practise safe connection and authentic communication.
Build resilience and self-compassion as they process family trauma.
Resources to Support Your Practice
To help your clients move beyond avoidance and towards healing, consider integrating structured resources into your sessions. The Origins of Codependence Workbook offers step-by-step guidance, CBT-based exercises, and practical advice tailored for trauma survivors. It’s designed to be used alongside therapy, providing clients with tools to understand and work through their avoidance in a supportive, self-paced way. Clients can track their own progress with their Worksheet Book.
Peeking out from behind the wall
By equipping yourself with targeted resources, you empower your clients to break free from the patterns that have kept them stuck-and support them on their journey to genuine connection and recovery.
Explore my workbook and additional resources to enhance your trauma-informed practice and help your clients reclaim their lives.