Working with Co-dependency Avoidance Patterns
When Feeling Nothing Becomes Everything: Understanding Avoidance Co-dependence in Adult Children
Christopher's terrible story of abuse and neglect had a lasting impact on him. His way of coping with the trauma was to shut down.
As a result, it had now become a problem in his marriage and his wife was about to leave him. She didn't believe that he loved her because he couldn't show it.
Do you know his reply when I asked him when he had cried last?
"The day I was ten and my mother killed herself. I told myself I would be stronger than her. And I am."
Some of us have developed a way of coping with trauma by not feeling anything. It has become unsafe to feel anything at all. We eventually become numb and incapable of feeling joy or sadness. We can only feel extreme feelings like rage and euphoria.
I often picture clients like Christopher as trees that have grown in harsh conditions. Instead of reaching confidently toward the light, this branch has twisted toward survival, shaped by the need to adapt rather than thrive. The scars of early wounds are not always visible in the trunk, but they are present in the way the branch bends, in decisions made from fear, in hesitations rooted in shame, and in the guilt that surfaces when they try to nourish themselves first. In my workbook, I describe five distinct branches of co-dependence, each one representing a way the tree has grown around past pain. You can read more about those five branches here.
The Legacy of Growing Up with Family Dependency
When we work with clients who grew up with parents or caregivers dependent on substances or processes, we often see this profound emotional numbing. These adult children learned early that feelings were dangerous. In homes where addiction reigned, emotional expression could trigger chaos, violence, or abandonment.
Children in these environments develop sophisticated survival mechanisms. They learn to read rooms, anticipate moods, and above all, never rock the boat. Emotions become the enemy because emotions create unpredictable responses from unstable caregivers.
This is not just sadness or fear they're avoiding. It's the entire emotional spectrum. Joy becomes as threatening as sorrow because any feeling could be the one that tips their fragile world into chaos.
The Hidden Patterns That Keep Them Trapped
If your clients recognise the following trauma behaviours they could be showing co-dependent trauma avoidance patterns. The patterns below come from CodA.org and they have kindly given me permission to use them.
I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.
I use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery.
I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
I withhold expressions of appreciation.
How This Shows Up In Their Daily Lives
Emotional Distancing Adult children of addicted parents often create elaborate emotional barriers in relationships. They might appear completely functional while internally disconnected from their own needs and feelings. These are the clients who can describe traumatic events in clinical detail but cannot tell you how they felt about them.
Conflict Avoidance at All Costs Rather than addressing issues directly, these clients will go to extraordinary lengths to prevent confrontation. They might agree to things they don't want or change plans to accommodate others without expressing their true feelings. One client described driving an extra hour each day for months rather than telling his boss the new office location wasn't working for him.
Self-Reliance to a Fault "I don't need anyone" becomes their survival motto. This excessive self-reliance leads to isolation and prevents authentic connection, as they struggle to ask for help even when desperately needed. They're the clients who refuse practical assistance while clearly struggling, insisting they're "managing fine."
Busyness as Escape Many avoid intimacy by maintaining perpetually busy schedules. Work, hobbies, or social commitments become convenient reasons to limit quality time with partners or family. Their calendars never have space for genuine connection because connection feels too risky.
Physical and Emotional Withdrawal When relationships become challenging, their instinct is to withdraw rather than work through difficulties. This might manifest as spending excessive time alone, developing mysterious illnesses when emotional situations arise, or using technology as a shield against connection.
Deflection Through Humour or Intellectualisation Deep conversations get redirected with jokes or abstract analysis, keeping relationships at a comfortable distance from vulnerability. They're experts at responding to "I miss you" with a witty quip rather than acknowledging the emotional content.
Relationship Cycling Some maintain a pattern of leaving relationships when they reach a certain depth, continuously starting fresh to avoid addressing deeper attachment issues. They find fatal flaws just as things begin to get serious, recreating the abandonment they fear.
The Therapeutic Challenge
Working with these clients requires understanding that their emotional shutdown served a crucial survival function. In homes where parental addiction created chaos, numbing was adaptive. The challenge is helping them recognise when this adaptation has become maladaptive in their adult relationships.
These clients often present as highly functional. They may be successful professionally, appear socially competent, and seem to have their lives together. The emotional void they carry is hidden beneath layers of competence and control.
They've learned to manage life without feeling it. Your therapeutic task is helping them discover that emotions, rather than being dangerous, can actually be sources of information, connection, and healing.
A Resource for Your Practice
The "Origins of Co-dependence" workbook provides structured exercises specifically designed for adult children of parents or caregivers with dependencies on substances or processes. This comprehensive resource helps clients:
Identify their unique trauma responses and avoidance patterns
Understand the original protective function of these behaviours
Develop safe ways to reconnect with their emotional experience
Build healthy relationships that honour their boundaries
Process childhood experiences that shaped their adult patterns
The workbook includes client handouts, therapeutic exercises that complement your existing therapeutic approach. Each section builds progressively, allowing clients to develop emotional tolerance at their own pace.
A Resource for Your Practice
Working with avoidance co-dependence requires patience, skill, and the right tools. This workbook gives you a structured pathway for helping these clients reclaim their emotional lives while respecting the wisdom of their survival strategies.
Order your copy today and transform how you work with adult children of addiction.