Understanding Co-dependency Compliance Patterns in Therapy
What are co-dependence patterns?
Today we are examining the Co-dependency Compliance Patterns. To know more about the other types of co-dependent patterns click here.
When working with clients who have grown up in families with dependency patterns, you'll often meet people like Sam. Sam kept getting passed over for promotions because she was just too nice. She hated confrontation and would do anything to avoid making people unhappy with her. She found herself agreeing with things she didn't really believe in, all to keep the peace. Her partner was pushing her to do better at work, but Sam felt she wasn't strong enough to be a leader.
Being nice to people isn't a problem in itself. The real issue is understanding what drives the need to be nice all the time.
In Sam's case, it was all about staying safe and avoiding rejection. By anyone.
Spotting These Patterns in Your Clients
When you're working with clients from codependent backgrounds, it's worth exploring what's really driving their need to be agreeable all the time. Is it about safety? Or needing to be accepted by everyone?
The following signs, drawn from Codependents Anonymous materials, can help you recognise these patterns in your practice:
Demonstrates extreme loyalty and remains in harmful situations for extended periods
Compromises personal values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger
Consistently prioritises others' interests over their own
Exhibits hypervigilance regarding others' emotions and absorbs those feelings
Fears expressing differing beliefs, opinions, and feelings
Accepts sexual attention as a substitute for genuine affection
Makes decisions without considering potential consequences
Abandons personal truth to gain approval or avoid change
What Brings Them Through Your Door
Sam's story is pretty typical. Her partner's pressure brought her to therapy, but Sam was really just coming to keep the peace. She loved her partner and was terrified she might leave. Her last two relationships had ended with the other person cheating on her, which was incredibly painful, and Sam desperately wanted to avoid going through that again.
If you've done this work for a while, you might recognise some of this in yourself too. Many of us have our own experiences with compliance that can actually help us understand our clients better.
The Deeper Impact of Compliance Patterns
Whilst many focus on the obvious consequences of compliance, such as being taken advantage of or struggling with boundary setting, the most significant therapeutic concern lies elsewhere.
The primary issue with chronic compliance is that it fundamentally undermines trust in relationships. When others recognise that a client doesn't express their authentic thoughts and feelings, they experience a sense of betrayal. This creates barriers to genuine intimacy because the compliant individual remains hidden from others.
This pattern results in persistent isolation. Clients hide not only from others but also from themselves. Their relationships become superficial, lacking genuine substance, and their relationship with themselves becomes even more compromised.
Therapeutic Interventions and Hope
These entrenched patterns can be addressed through therapeutic intervention. When clients realise they are not fundamentally alone in the world, they can develop the courage to make authentic decisions.
Through therapeutic work, clients can develop the courage to say no when appropriate. They can learn to prioritise their own needs and interests without experiencing overwhelming guilt or shame. Most importantly, they can recognise their inherent worth and rights as individuals deserving of respect and consideration.
There is hope
For therapists seeking comprehensive resources to address these complex patterns, the workbook "Origins of Codependence" provides structured interventions and exercises specifically designed for this population.